Currently listening to: My Body is a Cage - Peter Gabriel
So today began like any other Tuesday. Being one of my "days off" I wasn't obliged to get up for a 9AM start like I will be tomorrow. So I awoke comfortably from my golden slumber rather than to the harsh sounds of my mobile's alarm. Wake up. Brush teeth. Wash. Open curtains. Stare out across the mid morning London skyline. Turn on computer.
That's been the daily morning ritual for a fair few years now, though since October when I sent off my medicine application, after turning on the computer I immediately check the Holy Trinity: email, UCAS Track and New Media Medicine. Like any other morning for these past six weeks, I log on. Two new emails from Barts and The London. Heart stops for a minute. Open them:
"Dear Grumpy Biomed
We regret to inform you that your application to our A100 and A101 programmes for MBBS medicine will not be considered any further at this stage. Thank you for considering Barts and The London SMD and we wish you every success with your future applications.
Numb. Shocked. Crushed. Hopeless. Some of the words to describe how I felt reading those cold, unfeeling words in that email. This was my first choice and it had rejected me after only 6 weeks. But something doesn't feel right. My mind is telling me that this can't make sense, and that I can escape from this nightmare.
I jolt awake. Daylight is streaming through my curtains. My radiator is on full blast as I forgot to turn it off last night before I fell asleep. I feel sluggish and stupid but I start my computer immediately. No new emails. No Track updates. I haven't been rejected.
I don't usually have nightmares. I tend to have a lot of lucid dreams so I usually manage to transform any dream which feels nightmare-ish into a happy one. I couldn't do that last night, so in a strange way I've just experienced the feeling of a first rejection...but luckily it wasn't real.
I suppose I'm a bit surprised that it's taken 6 weeks for the first symptoms of stress to manifest...but lately I have been having sleep problems, incessant thoughts about interviews, rejections, acceptance etc. I just hope that I don't have to experience any more mock rejections in my sleep, because in that split second when I awoke and opened my eyes, I felt totally panicked.